A pair of deep blue beasty eyes. Darkness. Thick Black fur. Darkness. Tires screeching on the asphalt. Darkness.
A haze, nothing makes sense as I am gasping for my last breath of air as darkness completely consumes me. A sharp scream wakes me up in the middle of the night. I straighten my back suddenly and wipe the beads of sweat covering my forehead. As I do so, I grab my temples as a deaf headache starts to form. It feels like I just smashed my head against the wall, multiple times.
This nightmare has been haunting me for years now and every now and then, I see more details, like I’m remembering things. Its been so long since I’ve had this dream that I almost forgot about it. But it still lingers in the back of my head...The pair of beautiful and familiar eyes that look into my soul. The tingling sensation that I felt, that I still feel, even now, in the middle of the night, just thinking about it. But I don’t remember anything similar happening, ever. I shiver like I’m trying to escape the questions that starts bubbling up and fogging my brain.
Suddenly I feel hot and the air in the room threatens to suffocate me. With a huff I get up and open the door of the balcony wide open. I smile as the fresh air hits my nose and inhale the intoxicating smell of the woods, dispersing the headache. How beautiful is this view? I’m taking a moment to appreciate the view once again. How did I get so lucky in finding this place? I might dread these type of vacations but this time it feels different, it feels right.
....
I wake up shivering and notice that last night I forgot to close the balcony door and now the morning air is cutting through the skin of my bare legs. I quickly rise, regretting the fast movement as I immediately get the all too familiar dizziness, steadying myself on the door handle as I close the door and returning to the bed. “ I am so not ready for today” i tell myself. Why did I ever agree to this? What was I thinking? I’m not made for this! I give my phone a quick glance, it’s 6:50 AM...I still have 10 more minutes until Stace will pound on my door demanding I get up and get dressed for our ride today. I’m not really comfortable enough with riding my enduro motorcycle yet...it’s scary, powerful but somehow it gives me the rush that I need to burry the anxiety attacks in the back of my mind. The only positive thing that I can think of right now is that my outfit is cute AF and I can’t wait to wear it...if i’m passionate about anything, it’s my rocking outfit and how badass it makes me look.
Knowing I have 10 minutes, actually 8 now, since I’m spacing out and trying to find reasons to stay indoors today, I grab the towel from my still unpacked bag and head to the bathroom for a quick shower. Since it’s enduro, i won’t even bother washing my hair so this shower should be quick. I’m grateful for the hot water warming my bones as I relax and take a deep breath, lingering under the hot water a bit too long and somehow I feel myself being transported to another dimension as a thick layer of steam fills the shower cabin. Again, just like in the nightmare I find myself struggling to breathe and panicking..”Oh God, please not here, there is no one here if I die”
How funny is it that we turn so fast for God when we are in a bad situation but we never even think about Him for the rest of our time? I stumble out of the shower, falling on my right knee. Outch, this will hurt later like a mothereffer. I feel the fluffy bathroom rug and find no time to feel disgusted. This is an Airbnb, only God knows what could crawl out of this rug and ..i don’t need more reasons to panic.
Now I’m on the floor, naked, panting, gasping for air trying to fight this damn panic attack and failing.
I crawl into a ball on the floor and try to remember all the meditation tips i heard over the years “don’t fight it, breathe in, breathe out” it takes me a couple of seconds before my ear can register sounds again and I become aware that Stace is pounding on my door and is now stepping into the bathroom. “What the hell are you doing Lils?” Great, I mean, glad to see her worried..not. She is just pissed that I was going to make her run late. Stace has no idea of my panic disorder and she would never understand. The way no one really understands unless they have experienced it. Everybody that listened to me explain it simply said: “it must be terrible”, “that sucks”, “just try to relax”, “get over it girl” well let me tell you, they don’t understand and it’s heartbreaking its soul crushing and it honestly makes you loose any interest in life all together.
I look up at Stace, her blonde short bob lingering over her face as she stares down on me with her bale blue eyes, judging me, not even bothering asking what actually happened. But I reply anyways: “i tripped on my way out of the shower” with an apologetic expression on my face. I can see it in her eyes that she doesn’t buy it but she doesn’t question me. I’m just glad that, now that she is here, my anxiety slowly creeps away and I feel myself able to breathe again. I see her opening her mouth to say something but decides to stay quiet and her face just changes to an amused expression and starts turning away and out of the bathroom door yelling behind her “Be down in 10 girl” followed by a “nice ass” that I also heard even though she said the last part much lower. “Well here goes nothing” I huff under my breath while getting up slowly.
